For those unable to decipher this report, here it is below in a more presentable fashion (by the hand of Capt. Proudfoot, who insisted on receiving it in oral form first).

On Monday, Lightfoot appointed himself on guard duty at an open-air concert of the Brandy Badgers in Michel Delving. There were two items of note. Firstly, a Mr. Hartten was observed to be comatose upon the verge of the market square. Fearing that some witch had cast a sleep-spell, Lightfoot uttered the magic words “sticky toffee pudding” into the victim’s ear. Alas, it did not break the spell. The gentlehobbit later revived and explained his condition to be exhaustion from chasing chickens. Lightfoot then had words with Hartten’s companion, Clucky the Hen, and issued her with a formal warning.

Secondly, Lightfoot gathered some Intelligence at this concert about Far-Away Lands. From a Mr. Geo he discovered that a country call Bree lies beyond the Bounds, inhabited by strange beasts called prancing ponies. Lightfoot therefore volunteered to undertake a Long-Range Patrol to this outlandish land to ascertain whether these creatures posed any threat to the Shire.

Thus began the Great Patrol of the Third Foot Patrol. It set out from The Bird and Baby on Tuesday morning, armed with walking stick and penknife, and supplied with sacks of pies, cakes and biscuits. All was well on the pub crawl journey to The Ivy Bush, The Green Dragon, The Floating Log, and The Golden Perch. However, disaster struck on Friday! The sky turned grey and a cold downpour dampened the spirits of Footman Lightfoot and Assistant-Doggy Ruff. Even worse, the pie-cake-biscuit ration was depleted! Finally, the Great Patrol’s morale was broken at the crossing of the threshold of the Shire. Rather than a delightful little packhorse-bridge, the Brandywine Bridge proved to be a monstrous structure (most probably built and dwelt under by giant trolls or worse). Lightfoot therefore withdrew to the tavern at Stock to take stock of the situation.

Lightfoot wishes to inform all readers that the Brandywine looks like brandy. But it does not taste so. Further investigation into brandy is now proceeding. Capt. Proudfoot understands that the Great Patrol of the Third Foot Patrol will resume once suitable food supplies and sufficient liquid courage have been acquired. And when the rain has stopped.